Frank Morse
We have ice-cold Gatorade for this GOP state senator, who resigned in September after saying legislative service has become “a marathon without end.” Since 2002, the thoughtful heir to the moderate Republicanism of Lincoln, McCall, and Hatfield had been a tireless advocate for tax reform and immigrant welfare. Senator, your aisle-jumping will be missed. 

Thomas Tyner
This Aloha High School football star rushed for 644 yards and scored 10 touchdowns in a single game. Not only did he shatter the state’s record for single-game yardage, he did it all on his 18th birthday. Happy belated, Thomas. Now help yourself to a fourth bowl of Wheaties while we fantasize about what high school might have been like for us if we had been you. 

Obie & Nora Vanetta
Videos of Obie, a colossally obese dachshund, went viral after he and his new Portland owner appeared on Today alongside a wide-eyed Al Roker. Vanetta rescued the 77-pound wiener dog from an elderly couple and has promised to put him on a crash diet and exercise regimen. Nora, enjoy a sausage while Obie runs some wind sprints. 

Archie Cabello
We made that spaghetti sauce recipe from the first Godfather for this 64-year-old former armored car driver, who pleaded guilty to snatching almost $4 million in intricately staged inside-job robberies. The most recent heist on SE Hawthorne Boulevard brought him (and his accomplices: his wife and son) $3 million. Archie, let’s drink to De Niro playing you in the movie! 

Vailey Oehlke
We would like a dramatic reading (Ayn Rand?) from Oehlke, whose tenure as Multnomah County’s library director reaches a crossroads this month. Voters will either approve a tax district to fund the system or send her back to the fiscal drawing board. Vailey, catch you on the flip side for either Champagne on ice or warm humble pie.