A Few Questions, Please
Just a moment for a little research
Posted by: John Chandler on Nov 12, 2009 at 02:00PM
13 Comments
My trusty intern Robert just sent me this link to a story in Advertising Age about how someone’s taste in beer can reveal much about their personality. The results are somewhat predictable—domestic lager fans are middle-of-the-road types, craft beer consumers are inquisitive free spirits who like to watch The Office, and teetotalers are the enemy more conservative citizens who enjoy a much narrower variety of life experiences.
Well duh! You call that research? In the interests of scientific investigation, I’ve formulated my own beer survey. Answer in the comments section by putting down the number of the question, followed by your answer (e.g., 1. Guinness. 2. 37. 3. I’ve never barfed in my life, etc.)
1. When you’re in the beer aisle at the local supermarket, you look for:
2. Domestic beer tastes to you like:
3. When someone uses the term “craft beer” they’re referring to:
4. You just had a brutal day at the office and only have $5 to drown your misery. How do you spend it?
5. A light beer is a good choice when you are:
6. Some high school kids ask you to buy them beer at the Plaid Pantry. Without hesitation you:
7. Armageddon is close at hand, and you only have time to get one keg of beer into your shelter. What will it be?
8. Which of the following statements most closely describes you:
a. “Oh boy! Time to separate the recycling!”
b. "Woulda, shoulda, coulda. How about a cool, refreshing glass of STFU?
c. “Wait! What am I doing?”
d. “That Sarah Palin’s got the liberals running scared.”
e. “If you ask me, the bastards in the pharmaceutical industry are the real criminals.”
f. “You gonna eat that?”
g. “BRAINS!!!”
h. “A beer run? Here’s $3, get something that’ll reduce me to gibbering idiocy real fast.”
i. “Please. Just leave me alone.”
j. “Pack your bags honey, we’re going to Rio!”
k. “Twitter’s down again?”
l. “My life is a vast desert of misery and ruin.”
m. “I like turtles!”
I’ll discuss the answers with my co-worker Garrett, who knows everything, and postulate some theories. I wonder if I can get a research grant for this?
Tags: Beer Craft Beers
1. When you’re in the beer aisle at the local supermarket, you look for:
Oregon microbrews by season (Jubelale in the winter, Bridgeport IPAs in the summer, etc).
2. Domestic beer tastes to you like:
By this, do you mean mass-produced beer like Budweiser and Pabst? Hmmm. Water blended with an eye dropper of urine.
3. When someone uses the term “craft beer” they’re referring to:
Beer made in smaller batches with higher quality ingredients.
4. You just had a brutal day at the office and only have $5 to drown your misery. How do you spend it?
An IPA
5. A light beer is a good choice when you are:
Drinking for free while also doing something expensive (watching a Blazers game at the arena, golfing, hang-gliding) that’s also on someone else’s dime. (in other words, not very often.)
6. Some high school kids ask you to buy them beer at the Plaid Pantry. Without hesitation you:
reply “for $100.”
7. Armageddon is close at hand, and you only have time to get one keg of beer into your shelter. What will it be?
Hair of the Dog Fred.
8. Which of the following statements most closely describes you:
c. “Wait! What am I doing?”
…who the hell knew there was going to be a test??? Sheesh. OK. Here are my answers:
1. Gluten Free Beer. Most commonly Dragon’s Gold.
2. Domestic? You mean like Coors, MGD, et al? That stuff is liquefied snot rag in a bottle.
3. An ad most likely. I think that is one of the most over used words in all beer ads. Although, I’m sure some snobs somewhere think it means hoity toity micro brews.
4. Two Buck Chuck wine. So I have enough left over to spring for a frozen pizza or something.
5. I don’t think they make GF light beer. But I suppose the answer would be “on a diet.”
6. Say no.
7. My all time fantasy of a GF porter. Haven’t found one yet, but hopefully by then one will exist.
8. N. “I’m sucking my thumb and saying, ’There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’”
1. When you’re in the beer aisle at the local supermarket, you look for: 12
2. Domestic beer tastes to you like: Home
3. When someone uses the term “craft beer” they’re referring to: IPAs
4. You just had a brutal day at the office and only have $5 to drown your misery. How do you spend it? 6 tall boys
5. A light beer is a good choice when you are: awake
6. Some high school kids ask you to buy them beer at the Plaid Pantry. Without hesitation you: Tell them ‘No how, I ain’t going back to the joint!’
7. Armageddon is close at hand, and you only have time to get one keg of beer into your shelter. What will it be? Hebrew the Chosen Beer
8. Which of the following statements most closely describes you:
m. “I like turtles!”
1. Beers I know and like, or close enough. Or cheap beer to take to a party, where I’ll help myself to something better.
2. Some serves its purpose (e.g. “Colt 45: Works Every Time”). Really, I can handle MGD, PBR and a couple others. I’m not as snobby as Sweat Palms.
3. Quality beer by a smaller brewery
4. Bottle of cheap red is the best value. It’s not good enough for the next day, so there’s no such thing as “leftovers” in this category.
5. Really hot and thirsty. It’s not called Lawn Mower Beer for nothing.
6. As much as I’d like to help them out, the legal penalties are just too great. I’d apologize for not be able to help them get their drink on, and wish them good luck.
7. Terminal Gravity IPA. Not only is it great beer, since it’s an IPA it’s designed to last longer before getting skunky.
8. B
9. Hey blog monkey, did you ever think about using Survey Monkey for this?
@Aitch: I’m not going anywhere near a monkey after seeing what the killer chimp did to that poor woman’s face!
1. the strongest IPA on sale 2. what’s on sale?
3. hopefully, the strongest IPA on sale 4. 2 Pabst 40s
5. pregnant 6. tell them to go ask their mom
7. see #1 8. unfortunately, l. I also like turtles.
I enjoy a good survey, but I don’t imbibe so I can’t really contribute much to your research, however I do love to buy beer for kids.
Is this one of those tests to try and suck me into Scientology?
1. When you’re in the beer aisle at the local supermarket, you look for:
What’s new? What’s organic?
2. Domestic beer tastes to you like:
College
3. When someone uses the term “craft beer” they’re referring to:
More fun than craft glue
4. You just had a brutal day at the office and only have $5 to drown your misery. How do you spend it?
Boilermaker at the Pub
5. A light beer is a good choice when you are:
Desperate
6. Some high school kids ask you to buy them beer at the Plaid Pantry. Without hesitation you:
Get away from my beer, you punks!
7. Armageddon is close at hand, and you only have time to get one keg of beer into your shelter. What will it be?
Guinness
8. Which of the following statements most closely describes you:
l. “My life is a vast desert of misery and ruin.”
But no, I don’t need some half-baked fake religion to save me, thank you very much.
This is too much work bp. Have your ‘web interns’ create forms that can be selected and fields entered. Otherwise i’d like either an hourly wage or at least a beefeater martini (none of that vodka shit). Oh, also get more mobile device-friendly. Ok bj? :I) see you at the tugboat sometime.
@Jerk: Mobile-device friendly? If you want to get me an iPhone for Xmas that would be awesome. At the moment, I don’t even have change for the pay phone.
1. What microbrew is on sale
2. Failure/tasty
3. I assume the beer is aged in a wicker basket
4. Shakespeare Stout
5. Afraid of being awesome
6. Tell them they’re doing it wrong. They need to shoulder tap in the parking lot, and they should do it to someone who looks more homeless than me. Then I’d give ’em a ride to Safeway and buy beer for them there.
7. Hoegaarden
8. G. A million times G.
1. Franziskaner Weissbier! [Bavarian brewing tradition since 1363]
2. If you’re drunk enough who the hell cares!
3. Something they made in their basement.
4. PBR Tallboy 6-pack FTW!
5. You you want to be Hipster!
6. Milwaukee’s “Beast” Light, then you pocket the change! Stoopid kids!
7. Widmer Hefeweizen! That’s unless of course I’ve spent all my savings on plastic tarps and duct tape!
8. “d” followed abruptly by “g” Sarah Palin as Neo-con Zombie! Raaawr!
1. Good IPA, preferably from Oregon.
2. It tastes fine, if I’m not paying. Otherwise, it tastes like industrial runoff from a cereal factory.
3. I never know what those people are referring to. I’m sure there’s some craft involved in creating MGD.
4. Find a place that serves Imperial IPA in Imperial pint glasses.
5. Seriously?
6. Hesitate.
7. That’s rough. But when push comes to Armageddon, I gotta go with Terminal Gravity.
8. g. “BRAINS!!!”