Five Things a Bar Must Have
What are the most essential amenities for a positive drinking-out experience?
Posted by: John Chandler on Apr 22, 2011 at 12:00PM
11 Comments
As a marginally noteworthy local personality I get asked the same questions over and over. The first one is, “What’s your favorite bar?” to which I give a long string of confusing and contradictory answers. (Covering your tracks has never been more important. They can track us anywhere!) The second question is, “What do you look for in a bar?” To me, this is a much more complicated query. Are you asking me what I, the Bar Pilot, look for? Or are you asking me as a reliable barometer for the rest of humanity? I can’t take this kind of pressure!
I’m going to go ahead and list five things a proper bar should have if they want my business on a regular basis, but this list says more about me than it does the rest of human race.
1. Local spirits and brews. I’ll drink in a laundromat (and I have!) if it has a respectable number of regional taps and at least pays lip service to Portland’s artisan distillers.
2. A reasonable noise level. Whether it’s the bartender’s iPod, the crappy folksinger in the corner, the TV, or the jukebox, noise should never impede conversation. Obviously this does not apply to music venues. For more on this subject…
3. A range of price options. I love plunking down my hard-earned coin for a fancy pants cocktail as much as anyone, but I have to know that I can retreat to the safety of a reasonably priced tap beer if my funds are drying up. It’s only common sense.
4. Atmosphere. This answer is kind of a cheat, because it includes lighting, service, and an x-factor (decor, design, furnishings, feng shui) that reveals that some thought about patron comfort went into the room layout. For more on this subject…
5. Decent chow. I generally don’t go to a bar with the intention of eating, but if I’m hanging out and having a good time, I want to know that the food base is covered by something other than a frozen burger patty slapped onto a fly encrusted grill.
Yes, there are tons of other factors to consider. I can even put up with slow service as long as the staff is amiable. But now I want to hear from you, drinking buddies. Let’s talk about the bees in your bonnet. Tell me what needs you have that need to be met in order to guarantee a return visit. Let’s build the definitive list so that we can distribute it to publicans all over the city to ensure our satisfaction. World peace and contentment will surely follow.
Tags: Bar Culture Bar Research
I need:
*Good music
*Dim Lighting
*Snobbery free staff
Then I am a happy, drinking girl.
For me, it’s all about the people watching.
Essentially, it’s a constant form of entertainment!
I rarely make it out, unless somebody’s band is playing. So, a decent band or singer/songwriter that can carry a tune. Outta tune, outta whack hacks need not apply. If I’m sitting in the corner and saying to myself, “I can play that guitar better than he can”—Houston we have a problem. Especially because I don’t even play guitar. Oh, and no singers that sound like Pee Wee Herman on helium. Must be able to f—ing sing.
Other than that, gluten free is a must for me. So, if there are no GF beers, the wine must be something worth drinking. The cheap stuff that comes in the mini-bar sized bottles and tastes like your grandpa’s socks doesn’t cut it. Just saying.
I also give very high marks to bars with good outdoor space. When the weather is amenable, there’s nothing better than getting your drink on in the great outdoors.
Argh, the beginning of my comment got cut off. I typed, “#4 on your list is #1 on mine”. Starting my comment with a ‘#’ must have broken the internets.
@Eric: You broke it, you buy it.
Dear turning-water-into-wine-Jesus – what I want in a bar is a bartender who knows what I drink as well as my name and pours me a cocktail before my butt hits the stool. A place that plays great music at a volume I can still converse over and does NOT suffer douchelords gladly. A place that feels like my living room, if my living room were a bar and I was the bouncer. Does that make sense?!?!
1. The owner of the bar must frequent the bar either as an employee or customer.
2. Either a comprehensive analog jukebox or one of those Web-based jukeboxes that offers scads of choices.
3. Microbrews are a big, big plus.
4. At least two-thirds “dark” to “light” in terms of atmosphere.
5. If sports aren’t on the primary TV, older movies must be.
Seems like it’s way easier to think of things that’ll make me hate a bar (workers in uniforms, a news channel on the television, too much light, bad beer selection) than the good stuff. Hmmm.
1. I have to be able to walk there 2. good music 3. velvet wallpaper 4. cheap drinks 5. name must start with letter D and end with -ots
@Regular: Gosh, if only such a place existed outside your feverish imagination…
1)Reasonable noise levels
2)ENOUGH GLASSWARE. Don’t serve me a cold drink in a hot glass. I’d rather have a plastic SOLO cup.
3)Bartender/server who knows what “neat” means.
4)Enough seats. I don’t care if they’re mismatched yardsale specials. I just want to sit down.
5)Toilet paper, paper towels, AND soap in the bathroom. (If I can’t wipe &/or wash my hands, I know your employees can’t, either. Gross.)