Ask Barbecue Bill
What should I bring?
Posted by: John Chandler on Jul 06, 2009 at 10:00AM
12 Comments
Greetings good people of Bloggerville!
My buddy John Chandler is out this week practicing the camel walk for an upcoming So You Think You Can Dance? audition, so he turned things over to me for a little while. You can call me Barbecue Bill, or you can call me Bill, or you can call me the Billy Club. Just don’t call me late for the damn cookout! Haw!
Bar Pilot Chandler sent me some miscellaneous items from his mailbag that appear to require my expertise, since they have to do with the subject of backyard socializing. Man, so many questions! What’s the ideal cut of meat to slap on the grill? If I’m the host, how much beer should I have on hand? Should organized games be part of the barbecue? Well, sir, I’ll do my best to get to these questions in good time. Right now, I got this little booger of a conundrum to think on.
“I’m a vegetarian and I get invited to barbecues all the time. What should I bring that doesn’t make me stand out like some kind of hippie, beef-hating freak?”
Good question!
First of all, don’t be coming around with none of those veggie burgers, ‘cause they taste like a cow flop. Hell, if I see someone coming to my barbecue with a platter of them soybean patties, I yell, “Tango!” That’s the attack word for Otis, my Rottweiler. You’d best be fleet of foot, my friend, otherwise Otis will be dining on rump roast, and you don’t want that.
My advice is to stuff yourself full of garbanzo beans or falafel or whatever rabbit food that you people eat before you arrive. Then show up with a vegetarian dish that everyone will like. I would suggest any combination of the following:
Frito’s
Spicy three-bean dip
Beer (lots)
Yukon Jack
Peppermint ice cream
Mike’s Hard Lemonade
If you put your mind to it, there’s all kinds of options available that won’t earn you a trip around the yard with Otis. You got questions for Barbecue Bill? Let’s have ’em!
Tags: Summer
…Regarding the vegetarian question, another option can be pizza. Thus, you still dine with your friends, but sans veggie burger. A friend of mine just tried cooking a frozen pizza on his grill, not 2 weeks ago. It worked well. First add fire under it until crust starts getting close to done, then turn off fire, and close the top of grill to make sure the rest of the pizza is heated all the way through. Last, enjoy!
When John returns from his stint on “So You Think You Can Dance,” we want the video posted here. It is simply a “must.”
BBQ-Bill,
How long do I need to grill a 2" thick salmon steak so that it’s moist but not sushi? Is that even possible?
Hey Calderone, I’m thinking about 5 minutes per side and 4" from highest heat oughtta do the trick. If you’re worried about flaky fish, oil up the grill and/or wrap the fillet up in foil with lemon pepper, diced onions, and parsley. That’s some good eatin’!
BBB-
I found some pretty good looking road kill on the Sunset Hwy this morning. but I’m not exactly sure what it is. Should I go with high heat for 20 – 30 min, or more of a slow cook?
Tell you what SoBro, if there’s any meat on the critter that doesn’t have Goodyear tracks on it, I suggest you get your Bobby Flay flipper and flip it directly into a crock pot. Then add enough habaneros, peppers, and hot chili oil to peel barnacles off a barge and just let it incubate for 2-3 days. After that, it’s in the Lord’s hands.
Fritos always a welcome addition, especially the scoopin’ kine.
BBQ-Bill,
My neighbors had blowout 4th of July BBQs complete with lots of noisy fireworks, rowdy beer swilling and ass-kickin’ all-merican patriotic country music blasting from their stereos. This type of behaviour upsets my pacific sensibilities. I would like to retaliate with a BBQ of my own which would include a French banquet feast, chilled chardonnay and a chamber trio playing on the lawn. My question is how does one properly BBQ French food?
Fey my friend, I have some simple advice: Be thy neighbor.
Sure, you could start a culture war and keep trying to out-swank the folks next door, but all this high-falutin’ French folderol will eventually leave you broke and boring.
This here is America. If you fancy the French move to Quebec. I understand it’s lovely this time of year.
Dear BB Bill,
Another great road kill recipe is to skin & bone the critter. Asumming it’s not a skunk, in which case, just give up before you start, trust me.
Dice that devil up and dip it the pieces in beaten egg, before dredging in seasoned flaxmeal flour.
Bank up a low slow bed of coals and dump your critter bits in a tinfoil packet.
Pierce yr packet a couple times to let excess steam escape and slow roast on the grill until tender.
Mmm mmm, tastes like chicken- and it’s gluten free!
Enjoy!
hey bill,
if i catch my neighbor pissing in my trash can (or worse) do i throw him from the bbq?
Look Tim, I said I was sorry! Sheesh! Cut a brother some slack.