My trusty intern Robert just sent me this link to a story in Advertising Age about how someone’s taste in beer can reveal much about their personality. The results are somewhat predictable—domestic lager fans are middle-of-the-road types, craft beer consumers are inquisitive free spirits who like to watch The Office, and teetotalers are the enemy more conservative citizens who enjoy a much narrower variety of life experiences.

Well duh! You call that research? In the interests of scientific investigation, I’ve formulated my own beer survey. Answer in the comments section by putting down the number of the question, followed by your answer (e.g., 1. Guinness. 2. 37. 3. I’ve never barfed in my life, etc.)

1. When you’re in the beer aisle at the local supermarket, you look for:

2. Domestic beer tastes to you like:

3. When someone uses the term "craft beer" they’re referring to:

4. You just had a brutal day at the office and only have $5 to drown your misery. How do you spend it?

5. A light beer is a good choice when you are:

6. Some high school kids ask you to buy them beer at the Plaid Pantry. Without hesitation you:

7. Armageddon is close at hand, and you only have time to get one keg of beer into your shelter. What will it be?

8. Which of the following statements most closely describes you:

a. "Oh boy! Time to separate the recycling!"
b. "Woulda, shoulda, coulda. How about a cool, refreshing glass of STFU?
c. "Wait! What am I doing?"
d. "That Sarah Palin’s got the liberals running scared."
e. "If you ask me, the bastards in the pharmaceutical industry are the real criminals."
f. "You gonna eat that?"
g. "BRAINS!!!"
h. "A beer run? Here’s $3, get something that’ll reduce me to gibbering idiocy real fast."
i. "Please. Just leave me alone."
j. "Pack your bags honey, we’re going to Rio!"
k. "Twitter’s down again?"
l. "My life is a vast desert of misery and ruin."
m. "I like turtles!"

I’ll discuss the answers with my co-worker Garrett, who knows everything, and postulate some theories. I wonder if I can get a research grant for this?