Since we’ve got you covered on the volunteer front, how ’bout a freaking job?

You’re in luck.

The Portland Tribune reported today that the Oregon Zoo is hiring! For like, 150 jobs! OK, OK. Calm down. Discard your fantasies of elephant wrangling or monkey corralling or bear feeding—just get rid of them right now. Despite your longing to channel your inner four–year old and attack this potential veterinary endeavor with all the zeal of a preschooler, alas, it’s not that type of gig.

Intead, unfortunately, if hired, probably the only things you’ll be corralling are the sticky garbage–saddled lunch trays left by overprivileged Pearl babies. Or, if you’re lucky, you’ll get to stand a security post near the monkeys, and watch the overprivileged Pearl babies have most of the fun. (Some fun may be had in this role: picture an overprivileged Pearl baby receiving an uncomfortable—and most untimely—Birds and the Bees talk following a unruly bout of monkey self–love.)

But, indeed, who are you (or me!) to sneeze at these seasonal jobs? After all, anyone with a freshly perforated check to take to bank on Fridays is considered lucky. We here in Oregon are strangled by an unemployment rate (10.8%) not seen since 1983. Folks nationwide are swallowing their pride for the sake of, you know, putting food in their stomachs and, oh yeah, keeping a roof over their heads. (Even executives!) It’s just simply not the time to puff your chest and fanatically beat people over the head with your degrees and your experience and your alleged skills; unless, of course, you’ve no qualms about joining a breadline.

So! Let’s get you prepped.

1) Go to the Oregon Zoo website and fill out their online application.
2) Wait.
3) Have a little victory cocktail. Whatevs.
4) Interview! (Note: interview not guaranteed.)

Now, a few practice interview questions (you’re rusty, admit it):

1) How did you feel when that Bengal tiger put the laser-death-neck-hold on that freak show Roy, of Siegfried and Roy?

2) Are you one of those who thought the tiger was "trying to help him?"

3) Have you seen that Man vs. Wild episode in which Bear Grylls squeezes (and drinks) water from Elephant Poo?

4) Wasn’t that nasty?

5) What is your undergraduate GPA?

Leave your answers in comments and we’ll go ahead and forward them on to the kind folks at the Zoo.

God speed.