Perfect Party Invitees September 2013
Image: Nomad

Paul Ryan First crack at our salad bar goes to the fit (meow!) Wisconsin congressman. Ryan visited last September when he was running for something or other. A new book reveals that he sampled a Voodoo Doughnut and found it “disgusting.” Congressman, that’s just the taste of freedom.

Sen. Betsy Johnson The chair to Ryan’s left goes to our favorite Scappoose dissident. Johnson outraged fellow Democrats in Salem when she voted with Republicans on bills backed by gun-control activists, environmentalists, and labor unions, leading to their defeat and to angry calls for her removal. Betz, take the first toast: your chance for rebuttal. 

The Mystery Match Fixer We’ll provide a dimly lit corner for the gambling operative who allegedly visited the US Men’s National Team soccer game against Belize at Jeld-Wen Field in July. Three Belize players claimed he offered them €10,000 each to throw the match. They refused, but lost 6-1 anyway. Mr. X, can you rig the next Blazers season?

Travis Knight We chilled Cava for Laika’s animator-in-chief after The Boxtrolls’  trailer featured families with two dads and two moms. We salute your progressive take, Travis. Now, what’s the truth about Fred and Barney? 

Smiley Face Welcome to our table, ubiquitous emoticon, after your recent infamy as the only PDA in the e-mails between Multnomah County Chairman Jeff Cogen and his paramour, county Health Department policy and planning manager Sonia Manhas. The words themselves, alas, spoke only of bureaucratic life. But, oh, Smiley Face, your eyes and grin never seemed so alluring.