RUDY CREW To start festivities, the state’s new education “czar” can crack open an ice-cold can of whoop-ass. The former New York City schools chief criticized districts across Oregon for weak achievement goals. Someone’s got to raise standards, Rudy, but please don’t judge our meat loaf.
ISAAC EKBLAD Every party needs a pretty face, so welcome this erstwhile Lewis & Clark College philosophy student who now models for Frenchy fashion house Givenchy. Isaac, we could play xylophone on your abs and your gaze is steely—but we’ll listen raptly to your insights on Heidegger. We love a beautiful mind.
AMBER STARKS We didn’t realize Oregon exiles hair-braiders to Vancouver. Amber is one of many specialists who say they’ve been driven over the Columbia by state licensing requirements. The next legislature may make life easier for the trade. In the meantime, Amber, would you give us some illicit rows? We’ll keep quiet.
LINDA K. JOHNSON We’ll fly in Gulf shrimp for this local dancer, headed to Florida’s Captiva Island for the first-ever residencies at the estate of the late artist Robert Rauschenberg. The painter’s foundation hopes to foster a creative scene that recalls the legendary Black Mountain College. Linda, we’d pirouette for you, but you’d beg us to stop.
JEFF MANNING To honor this departing Oregonian veteran, we’ll serve fish-and-chips wrapped in newsprint. (If we can find any newsprint.) Manning is off to serve as spokesman for Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum. Soon only Hagar the Horrible will keep us reading.
CALAMITY JANE A cage in the corner awaits “CJ,” a 13-year-old chimp who made two escapes from the home of a Las Vegas magician. After the second jailbreak, well-wishers chipped in to move CJ to a Bend sanctuary. CJ, we welcome you to Oregon with fresh bananas and a cake containing a hidden file.