THE VANCOUVRIA DUDE As Portlandia became ubiquitous (New Yorker, New York Times, Portland Monthly … aiyee!), up stepped Vancouvria. In this online meta-spoof, Portland actor Scott Weidlich finds the “dream of the suburbs” alive and “putting a flag on it” the height of cool. Funny, in a ’Couv way. Let’s chill some Bud Light before the joke goes cold.

MARTHA WYRSCH A glass of something nice for the North American CEO of Vestas, the Danish wind-power firm that takes over fancy Pearl District digs this spring. This winter the company announced layoffs, got battered on the Danish stockmarket, and faced the end of wind-power tax credits. Martha, choose anything from our cellar. Sounds like we’ll all probably need it!

JEREMY POWERS and ZACH MACDONALD Winter’s heavy food leaves us feeling a need for speed, so we’ll serve something lean for cyclocross stars Powers and MacDonald. The pair, who ride for the pro team created by local cycling clothing outfit Rapha, each claimed national titles in January. Thanks for bringing the hammer down, fellas. Six thousand calories for you both.

DANIEL RAFATPANAH This Southeast Portlander battled a gun-toting “madman … a marauder” (Rafatpanah’s words) this winter. While housemates battered the invader with beer bottles, Rafatpanah bit the gunman’s ear until surrender came. “I tasted the blood of my enemy in my mouth,” he proclaimed. Daniel, we can’t offer that barbarian delicacy, but we did prepare some lovely steak tartare.

MELANIE DAVIS Just after gay/lesbian/et cetera newspaper Just Out shuttered, Davis, the publisher of El Hispanic News, leapt into the media breach. Davis’s new queer-culture magazine, PQ, aims to combine print publication with online strength. Piece of cake, Melanie! Speaking of which, want one?