Hey, how’s that March Madness treating you? You don’t have to fib—we know you picked Kansas all the way, and, after last weekend’s tumultuous two rounds, office paper shredders have been working double overtime making confetti for all the hapless hopefuls who picked the No. 1 seeded Jayhawks. If you were one of the 50 percent whose picks went down quick like the Titanic, you definitely need somewhere to cheer up, buttercup. Might we suggest collegiate sports bar the Cheerful Tortoise? The word on the block is that they’ll have giveaways during televised games, and, for the final, the winner gets a hammock—the perfect consolation prize for lounging and lamenting about Northern Iowa’s remarkable David-ko’s-Goliath win over Kansas.
For the other half of you that picked Kentucky (come on, you either picked Kansas or Kentucky) at least you still have breathing room, as the Wildcats could potentially square off against our regional rivals the Washington Huskies. Since we’re narrow-minded and all, we’ll assume that John Wall and his cousin will escape the East and be Final Four-bound. Fittingly, Champion’s Sports Bar would be ideal to watch the expected coronation of the ’Cats, since they have 20 TVs and feature happy hour all day during the games. OK, we lied—we’re only suggesting this place because of the 20 views you’ll have of Kentucky dominating Washington—that is, if the Dogs can succeed in bouncing West Virginia out of the tournament.
The fun of the Syracuse quadrant (the West, supposedly) resulted in the least amount of upsets—the surviving quartet in the Sweet 16 include a five, six, and two seed to go along with No. 1 Syracuse. Although this region had some pretty close contests, the blandness of no double-digit seeds can be cured by heading to Macadams, since there’s a possibility of winning a 32-inch flat screen in their no entry-fee bracket contest.
Finally, the South region has the second-most hated team left in St. Mary’s (behind Northern Iowa, of course), since their ousting of two-seeded Villanova twisted the knife of those that had ‘Nova actually making it past the second round. If you picked Duke for this side, grab an order of Macho Nachos and a Lagunitas IPA at Claudia’s, the perfect sports pub to match Coach K’s precision offense. Plus, they’ll also have random raffles during the finals, which you can enter while quaffing a beer every time Duke’s golden boy Kyle Singler (from South Medford!) busts a bucket.