In (yet another) installment of “How to Make Yourself Feel Old,” I made the mistake of watching MTV’s Video Music Awards believing doing a round up of the red carpet looks would be fun.  I kept notes of the life changing experience as it unfolded.

00:30 in - I already feel like Dana Carvey’s Old Man character on SNL, pontificating to everyone here (my cat) about how things were in the good old 90’s and wondering what the chances are that Pearl Jam will make a surprise appearance and magically brighten up my misery. 

32:00 in - I feel a compelling urge to slam my head into a wall repeatedly while shiny young men bop around and teen girls scream so loudly you can’t actually hear any of the presenters’ potentially witty introductions. Yet, I keep watching believing the clothing will be worth it if I can just press on.

1:00:00 in – After Nicki Minaj wins an award for something (can’t hear what) and comes on stage her clothing fashion choice costume sparks an inexplicable deep fear in me as I believe all the shiny bits are trying to lure me in like a cult.

1:10:00 in - I think someone is rapping a song about a camel toe. I am now simultaneously keeping a watch over my shoulder for Nicki Minaj’s costume in case it tries to break down my door while Googling “Do it yourself Botox.”

1:15:00 in – Starting to accept the fact Pearl Jam isn’t going to show up. Feeling sad.

1:25:00 in - Green Day performs. I guess the 90’s will be represented after all. I’m pretty sure singer Billy Joe Armstrong was wearing a shirt he’s had since then and I find comfort in this fact.

1:45:00 in – Can’t do it anymore. I throwback a shot of Peppermint Schnapps I find in the back of the cupboard left over from a Christmas party two years ago and go to bed to have nightmares of being forced to wear the Nicki Minaj jumpsuit to work everyday.

The Next Morning: After a fitful night sleep I edited down the pics of the Best (hmmmm) and Worst Dressed in an effort to provide myself closure with the whole event.