Zombies invade Portland
Zombie Walk, October 24, 2009
Here’s a brief field guide to the local varieties of undead you’ll see stumbling around downtown and the Pearl when the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives (based on a true story):
The Bored Zombie: Identifiable by patiently waiting at a stoplight, anticipating the crosswalk sign to turn green. Checks watch often despite inherent lack of concept of time.
The Accessorized Zombie: Identified by holding something, marking a frightening stage in zombie evolution. Some hold weapons such as pipes, while others have their lunch to go, in the form of a dismembered foot or arm.
The Photographombie: The most numerous breed of zombie on hand. Cut from the “Dead and Proud of It” cloth, these zombies take pictures of themselves shambling around the city and later post them to Facebite, the undead version of Facebook.
The Canine Zombie: Marked by having four legs and a snout. Usually said snout is bloody.
The Bride and Groom Zombies: Apparently the zombie attack happened during Labor Day weekend, as a large portion of the undead were dressed in their marital best. Ghouls are the ultimate wedding crashers.
The Hipster Zombie: Marked by skinny jeans, beards, and keffiyehs. Keffiyeh could be used to keep head from falling off.
The Drum Circle Zombie: Lack of life and overwhelming desire for brains has not tempered this zombie’s rhythm. Their beats are even more disconcerting than the typical zombie’s frightful moan.
The Protest Zombie: These zombies come equipped with signs touting clever political positions such as “Zombies were people too!” Did they make these signs before the outbreak? We’ll never know.
The Clown Zombie: Big shoes, red nose, unending hunger for flesh. Truly the most frightening thing known to man.
The Dancing Zombie: The example of the only way to peacefully stop a zombie. Play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and they’re biologically compelled to complete the choreography.
Zombievel Knievel: The coolest zombie ever, Knievel combines the (relative) invulnerability of being undead with the awesomeness of jumping a motorcycle over twenty semi trucks.
Check some of these zombies out, along with a few other special ghouls in our online-exclusive slideshow from last weekend’s downtown Zombie Walk.